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Saturday, March 9, 2013

Finding diamonds in the ashes...

"...Miles and miles in my bare feet I am reminded there are footprints next to mine and sometimes those footprints are a single set. I look back right now and see there's a single set as I am being carried and will never been left to walk this road alone as I heal..." S <3

God breaks our hearts to bring us closer to Him and the blessings that unfold are far better than any shattered dream out there!

I'd lie if I said this time since the baby's been here has been easy... I've never been met with such heartwrenching emotions before and such feelings of being robbed of so many things one after the other... My aches and pains have been too deep for clairty at times... My prayers have been cries of a mother's heart that doesn't know what to fully feel.

But feel I shall.

I am starting to feel less numb for in that numbness I have found a dark valley in this time of joy and peace. A dark valley of shattered hopes and dreams that I wanted so very badly. I ached to feel certain things and to experience the birth of my son where he was laid on my chest as we had those first few moments to bond and get introduced as mother and son. Not cut from my body in such a fashion our very lives depended on it. I never got to touch him or hold him when they took him from me... In fact I only saw a glimpse of my precious boy before they rushed him away. My heart went out the doors with him and I saw him several hours later in such a state of being drugged I have that memory as a fog but I know I held my baby for the first time then and tried to wash him over in the best love I had to offer. 

I don't believe I've asked for much in this life but when those things get swept away from your reach and you watch them wash away like words in the sand it hurts very deeply... I have faced death a few times in my short life and to now sit here and see how God must have such plans for my life that He continues to bring me closer to Him in such drastic ways must mean something huge.

I look over at my beautiful baby boy and see a blessing beyond any other and for such a diamond to be given to me out of such a difficult and scary situation is something I won't take lightly! I wipe these ashes from my eyes and continue onward and upward, my God has us for I am forever and always a child of the Most High and a very blessed one at that.

My birthing dreams may have been shattered but my new dream lays in my arms and I call him son...

Kylan Joshua 2/20/13 @ 2:43 p.m. via emergency C-section
6lbs 15oz 
21 inches long
Baby boy spent the first week of his life in the NICU and is now home on oxygen. 
We love our little fighter and feel so incredibly lucky to have been given this precious gift!
He is the incarnation of mine and my husband's love and we can't wait to watch him grow...

I love you baby boy, you make your Momma so very happy! My heart has a new song to sing in caring for you. You have also shown me a love for your Daddy I didn't even knew was in there... Thank you for teaching me more on God's love and purpose for marriage. You are a warrior and we give you back to your Father above. 


Love Always,
Mommy <3 

(Full story to follow when I have time to fine tune it and sort the pictures taken for me...)